I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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