It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
