If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
