he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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