I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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