The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
