The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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