If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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