My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
