Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
