It's a beautiful day for a hangover
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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