Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
