i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
