You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
