sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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