I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
