just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
