I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
