dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
