I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
