my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize