dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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