so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
