Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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