my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
