you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
