I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
