I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
