just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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