I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize