Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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