so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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