Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
