I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
