is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
