one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize