I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize