if you like me you must not know who I am
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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