Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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