6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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