I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
