we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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