these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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