why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
