My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
