Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
