I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
