I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
