Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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