Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
