There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
