Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
