If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
