Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize