On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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