we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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