I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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