ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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