By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We're too hungover to prance.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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